to mom and dad

Ever since young, I've not known how to speak up. I never had courage to speak up. I've always have trouble telling you what I feel about everything.

I've been brought up by grandma. ALL ALONG I only talked to her, almost never to both of you. After grandma passed away, I became this kid that confides everythin to himself. Everyday I would pray to God that everything would be fine. Every single day I told myself that everything would be fine. I was naive back then.


To dad,

I always sat down beside mom asking, 'how come dad is not at home at night and only comes home very late at night?' Mom would just smile at me and say you are busy. Always fall asleep on your side of your bed while waiting for you to come home. Then you would carry my back to my bed. Everytime when i wake up, first thing i do is to enter your room to greet you, all because I seldom see you at home. Used to be so happy just to see you in the morning.

But now, i'm blogging here in the living room while hearing the loud angry conversation that echo out through the night. You never scolded me, true. You never restricted me, true. But I just want to clarify something. Do you care about me then?

I'm like this fish in a bowl, given lots of space to swim about. Unknowingly i get fed by this unknown being that drops pellet and flakes of food for me. You change the water in the bowl from time to time. I feel very comfortable. BUT, I don't know this being that takes care of me.



To mom,

after grandma passed away, you became the closest person that I have. You bothered about my studies, you bothered about my social life, you bothered about my future.

But what you did was a little too much. You cared too much. You restricted me. In fact you tied me too hard to your apron. I seldom get to go out with my friends. I only went out with my friends only when I was sec 3. Hell, the only thing you allowed me to do is to study. Got me tuition teachers time and again, and you knew that i didnt like it. You never given me trust since young, all the way till now.

Still remember back then, the time you keep accusing me of stealing. You didnt trust me, you didnt allowed me to tell u the truth. You keep accusing me of lying time and time again. You even slapped me in the face on several occasions. I wonder who taught me all the wrong values. You told me to cover up a lie that you wanted to tell dad, you told me to keep the money I found on the floor. It's things like these that made me to what I am today.



Whatever happened today, everyone is at fault. I keep hearing dad using the slippery slope technic to make it seems that its not his fault. And I keep hearing mom over emphasizing on whatever she says. Somehow things are not going as well what I used to pray for since kindergarden.

I got my own views, I got my own thoughts. I don't want to interfere with anything tonight. If you guys cant end your kiddish arguement, I will have to voice out everything tomorrow.

[[ Jeremy ]]
Saddened by reality. Part 1.